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Burned Again

10/27/2016

Inferno Reviwed

I was shocked-SHOCKED- that they were making another Robert Langdon/Dan Brown based movie. Everyone can agree that The DaVinci Code novel was a worldwide phenomenon selling over 80 million copies. The movie enjoyed similar financial success, with the $125-million-dollar film making almost double that in the box office. However, the movie was panned by audiences and critics alike, getting a Rotten Tomato score of 25%. The next movie, Angels and Demons made $133 million at the box office but the budget for the movie was $150 million, and the Rotten Tomatoes score did go up, but only to 37%. So why make another? Because the books are still successful. Each Robert Langdon book has been on the New York Times bestseller list for over 10 weeks, including the latest in the series, so clearly something is working. So what's a studio to do? Well, they cut their budget in half to see if that would make a difference in their profits.

Tom Hanks is back as Robert Langdon, but the character is not himself. Inferno opens with Langdon in the hospital because he has amnesia. But he needs to get better fast because he is once again being called upon to save the world, this time not from organized religion but from a bioengineering billionaire who believes we are on the cusp of an overpopulation crisis, and the only way to solve the problem is to kill half of the world's population.

At least Tom Hank's haircut is marginally less distracting this time around

Inferno couldn't be a more by the numbers plot if it tried. I guarantee you have seen this movie 1000 times before. It's like a combination of National Treasure and ‘insert amnesia-based movie here.’ Better yet, it's exactly like the other Robert Langdon/Dan Brown movies that came before it. At no point did I ever think, “Man, I don’t know how Langdon is going to get out trouble this time.” There are no stakes to the plot, and it's impossible to feel for your protagonist because you’ll never worry about the outcome. You can't even try and play along with Langdon, who is once again trying to follow the clues and solve the puzzle. The story uses cheap tricks like amnesia or companies that specialize in cover-ups to explain away the more convoluted plot points. This isn't interesting or dramatic; it’s lazy storytelling.

For all the ways they tried to ruin the story there are a couple twists I didn’t see coming. And I couldn’t say a bad word about Tom Hanks if I tried, especially not after he gave the world David Pumpkin. So there were moments of the movie I enjoyed, but it wasn’t enough to save the movie.

People weren't exactly lining up to see Tom Hanks back in a bad haircut for Angels and Demons, and I can't imagine that they'll come back to see Inferno. For whatever reason, Inferno tries to recapture the frantic nature of the original movie, but the first movie wasn’t even that good, so why try going back to that well? There are conspiracies; there are cover-ups, but there's no meat to any of it. Even the staunchest Obama birther will watch this movie and go, "Isn't this a little convoluted?" yes Uncle Robert, it is. F

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Top 5 Movie Presidents We'd Be Better Off With

10/20/2016

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So I didn’t get to see any new movies this week, but I can assume is that if you like action, explosions, and Tom Cruise running then you are going to like Jack Reacher 2: The Reachening. With that in mind I wanted to make a top 5 list, and since we are in the midst of a political season with two of the most disliked candidates in recent American history, I thought I’d write about the top 5 movie presidents with whom we’d be better off. It would be too easy to make a list of good movie presidents like Morgan Freeman and Harrison Ford, so instead I’m going to go with the presidents who would be just one notch above the current offerings, with one particular business man setting the bar where it is.

Just missing the list: President Will Cooper (Pixels) - No matter what happens I think we can probably do better than President Kevin James.

5) The President (Love Actually)

This president seems likes kind of mixture of former presidents Bill Clinton and George W Bush. I’m sure there are people out there who wouldn’t mind go back to the simpler time of either one of those two. Is Great Britain one of our oldest and most important allies? Yes. But we can’t be expected to sacrifice our country’s own interest for them, and this president understands that. He also movies fast and takes what he wants, and in an age of crippling bureaucracy a man who can get things done quickly is a welcome change.

4) President Benjamin Asher (Olympus Has Fallen; London Has Fallen)

I’m not sure how he keeps getting captured, but really that means he’s willing to put the well-being of others above himself. He shows strength in the face of his enemies and knows which situations call for negotiations and which don’t. President Asher has a proven track record of dealing with terrorism successfully, which will help us in the future war on terror. And he knows he can trust the team he built to help him get out of tough situations… well most of his team. If nothing else, President Asher picked Morgan Freeman as his Vice-President, so we know if he gets captured a third time the country will be in good hands.

3) President James Dale (Mars Attacks)

The man helped to make contact with extraterrestrial life and showed them just how welcoming we can be. He also put in his best effort to understand our foreign visitors’ culture and asks the public around him to respect what may offend our neighbors, things like doves. President Dale also understands the importance of the Judicial Branch of government, especially once the entire Legislative Branch is burnt to a crisp. He’s right—two out three ain’t bad.

2) President Merkin Muffley (Dr. Strangelove)

Yes his political maneuvering leaves something to be desired, but if we gave President Muffley a second chance I think there is a less than 50% chance it would end in a nuclear apocalypse—strong leaders learn from their mistakes. Before all this stuff with the bomb goes down, President Muffley developed a relationship with the U.S.S.R. and was not afraid to have an open dialogue with a known enemy. He’s shown that he is the kind of President who will be around to make those tough calls at 3 A.M. He is willing to admit when he has made a mistake and apologize a trait not every candidate possesses.

1) President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho (Idocracy)

The man is a fighter. In that he was previously a professional wrestler. Not just any wrestler, but a 5-time-champion, so he knows what it takes to win. He also knows how to stay on message and talk to his constituency as he demonstrates in the State of the Union clip below. President Camacho also wants to surround himself with the smartest people on the planet in order to fix the country’s biggest problems. That is a tactic I can support.

So best of luck to all of you on November 8th (or for some of you November 28th) on choosing the candidate you think is best fit to run the country.

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He's Not THe Hero We Deserve - He's The Hero We Need

10/13/2016

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I have been known to be hard on Ben Affleck. I much prefer him as a director. In fact, in my review of Argo I believe I said Affleck's worst directorial decision was casting himself as the lead. But I liked Ben Affleck in The Accountant. Christian Wolff (Ben Affleck) is a numbers savant and a high-functioning autistic. When he's not doing the taxes for Jonathan and Martha Kent, he's uncooking the books for drug lords and arms dealers. Why would a pencil pusher take on such dangerous work? First, he likes the challenge and second, he is a total badass.

I’m not sure how to write this properly, or what it says about Ben Affleck, but Affleck plays an autistic person really well. About midway through the movie Wolff tells fellow accountant Danna Cummings (Anna Kendrick) that he wishes he was better at social interaction (don’t we all). But like Batman, which, coincidentally, was Affleck’s most recent role preceding, Christian Wolff was able to take his fear and struggle and turn it into a strength to help others based around his moral code.

The Accountant is packed with a tremendous supporting cast. I already mentioned Anna Kendrick, who is adorable as always, but there is also Jeffrey Tambor as Wolff’s jailhouse companion, John Lithgow as the owner of a robotics company who hires Wolff to find the man embezzling his company’s money, J.K. Simmons as the agent hunting him down for killing people, and Jon Bernthal as a rival assassin. All of these actors help light up the screen and add to the pleasure of watching the story unfold.

It’s also surprisingly funny, and not in a—“Oh my God this is so ridiculous” kind of way. The story had some good jokes capitalizing on awkward moments between characters. This added a strong human element to the movie especially as the story built towards a climactic moment that falls flat.

Finally Affleck gets to play someone who is wicked smaht

Toward the end of the movie there is a big shootout between Affleck and the bad guys, because that's how the movie has been advertised. However, the ending was the least interesting part of the story; it felt like something we've seen before. Nor was I interested in J.K. Simmons subplots about catching this guy. Simmons’ character was a mixture of funny and brooding as only J.K. Simmons can play, but the best part of the movie is Ben Affleck and how he handles the world around him. And anything that pulls that focus does the movie a disservice.

The Accountant was directed by Gavin O'Connor, the same guy who did Miracle and Warrior, two movies I really liked. They are also two movies that know exactly what they are—stories that you can numbly enjoy watching. The Accountant isn't a movie meant to be taken seriously. The idea of Ben Affleck playing an accountant and also somehow a spy is absolutely ridiculous. But the ridiculous and the silly aspects of this movie let it be something better. I am tired of seeing movies with guys who are good at everything do well. I want to see a guy who can kicks ass and doesn’t know how to answer a rhetorical question or when how to properly talk to a woman. That is the hero we deserve. B

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Gone Girl On The Train

10/6/2016

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Girl On THe Train Reviewed

The Girl on the Train is based off the 2015 book of the same name, and if you didn’t read the book you are probably in the minority. The novel debuted in the number one spot on the New York Time bestseller list and held that spot for a total of 15 weeks. I didn't read the book, but I overheard a conversation of some people in the theater who did. Apparently they didn’t alter the story too much in the movie, so those looking for a faithful adaptation will find one here. The question then becomes if the book was so popular, why is the movie so boring?

Rachel Watson (Emily Blunt) rides the commuter train into New York City every day. On her way to the city she always sees one particularly beautiful couple doing whatever it is beautiful people do — going out on the balcony in their underwear, cuddling, having sex in front of an open window—ya know, the usual. Well one day Rachel sees something that rocks her little voyeuristic world. With the help of a water bottle full of vodka she decides to get off the train and do something about it.

The chief problem with The Girl on the Train may be copycat syndrome, as it is impossible not to compare this movie to 2014’s Gone Girl. The tone, the way the movie is shot, the music, the camera filters making everything seem a little gray, even the name invites comparison. Part of that problem may be in the story itself, but most of the comparison rests squarely on the shoulders of director Tate Taylor (who also did The Help). Whether he was inspired by Gone Girl, had intense pressures from the studio, or was otherwise artistically inclined, The Girl on the Train comes off as Gone Girl lite.

I guess they couldn't afford Margot Robbie

That is not to take away anything from the Emily Blunt, who is the best part of the movie. Her character Rachel appears to be trying to get over her divorce by relying on alcohol. I spent a lot of the movie feeling sorry for Rachel and Blunt is very good at drawing the audience's sympathy. But as the movie progresses it becomes less about the character and more about the story, which is off the rails crazy. By the third act you will find yourself wondering what the hell just happened and how much of it is real because this girl keeps blacking out. All the narrative deception disguised as an interesting plot twist makes it impossible to sympathize with your main character.

Emily Blunt’s performance may be the sole bright spot of the movie but it is still not enough to save her movie unlike Rosamund Pike. Pike starred in the titular role of Gone Girl and her performance was heralded by many — she was even nominated for an Academy Award. Gone Girl had crazy plot twists as well but they all seemed plausible in the sense of the narrative, by the end of The Girl on the Train the audience was laughing at what was happening on screen.

To me this story suffered from the same problem as director Tate Taylor’s other movies based on popular books;The Help also felt melodramatic and more like a Lifetime movie than something for the theaters. There are those out there that really liked The Help, and the way the story was told. If you are one of those people and also happened to like Gone Girl, so much so that you would love to see it again but with slight differences, then by all means see The Girl on the Train. For everyone else: you’re better off waiting to see this one when it comes out on a movie channel. C-

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Burned Again

Inferno Reviwed

Top 5 Movie Presidents We'd Be Better Off With

He's Not THe Hero We Deserve - He's The Hero We Need ﻿

Gone Girl On The Train

Girl On THe Train Reviewed

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He's Not THe Hero We Deserve - He's The Hero We Need